One of my biggest fears when I set out to film myself masturbating was that I wouldn’t orgasm. It was a well founded fear. I’d never been sure of what made it happen, or why sometimes it seemed so impossible. In my quest to document my sexuality, and my shame, my goal was to film the real thing, including failure. At the same time, I really didn’t want to fail. I was deeply embarrassed not to know what made my body respond reliably. In this video I tried to get in the mood for being sexy by shaving. I only succeeded in feeling cute and silly, not sexy. I tried an ice cube, because an ice pack once made me come. Didn’t work this time. Finally, I tried a carrot.
In my book, Masturbation Monday, I point out the irony of having to use a carrot to masturbate because I was too embarrassed to own a dildo. Using a carrot on film was a thousand times more embarrassing. And that’s what made me orgasm. Humiliation sounds like a strange turn-on, but I was being real with how I felt. And as it turns out, that’s the key to making me come—unconditional acceptance of the way I am at that moment.