What I see in this video is a mixture of maturity and childlike innocence—two qualities always want to embody.
I’m hot. I know how to drive my spaceship so good, I’m like, super skilled. Bad guys are obviously going to be after me. Some of them have to be sexy, right? That’s how romance novels and sci-fi movies work, isn’t it?
From Masturbation Monday chapter eight.
One of my biggest fears when I set out to film myself masturbating was that I wouldn’t orgasm. It was a well founded fear. I’d never been sure of what made it happen, or why sometimes it seemed so impossible. In my quest to document my sexuality, and my shame, my goal was to film the real thing, including failure. At the same time, I really didn’t want to fail. I was deeply embarrassed not to know what made my body respond reliably. In this video I tried to get in the mood for being sexy by shaving. I only succeeded in feeling cute and silly, not sexy. I tried an ice cube, because an ice pack once made me come. Didn’t work this time. Finally, I tried a carrot.
In my book, Masturbation Monday, I point out the irony of having to use a carrot to masturbate because I was too embarrassed to own a dildo. Using a carrot on film was a thousand times more embarrassing. And that’s what made me orgasm. Humiliation sounds like a strange turn-on, but I was being real with how I felt. And as it turns out, that’s the key to making me come—unconditional acceptance of the way I am at that moment.
Shame is not a static state. It comes and goes in waves. One moment we may be perfectly fine with wanting money, sex or attention; the next we are mired in self-loathing, doubt and anguish.
Everyone holds contradictory beliefs about themselves and their place in the world. Some of my most painful contradictory beliefs were about my sexuality. I expected myself to be sexy and pure at the same time. That expectation lashes us to pain. It sets up a dichotomy; sexy and unsexy; pure and impure. These are false. I am a sexual being. I am the definition of sexy. I am a human being, both pure and impure, always and in every capacity. My sexuality when I’m not fighting my contradictory beliefs about it, is one of the most beautiful aspects of my being.
Masturbation Monday is a sexual journey that is at once preposterous and profound, impudent and reverent, excruciatingly personal and entirely too relatable.
Masturbation Monday will be re-released, on Mondays, through 2019 in celebration of the book’s release.
Collections of the full length videos available for sale here.